Inhibition
by LuminiaAravis
Summary: The first conversation with L after Light's confinement. The two prepare to face Kira - and each other, as it seems like L has something to confess... NOT LxLight, minimal yaoi.


"I will work it out so that you and I will be together 24 hours a day, working on solving the case."

It only took him a split-second to decide. Then he smiled and said, "You got it, Ryuzaki! Let's catch Kira…together!"

"Yes, I'm pleased to be working with you." L answered.

* * *

"Ryuzaki. I'm glad you're here," Light said as he started getting ready for bed. It was 10 pm that evening, and Tokyo was a glowing beacon in the night. L was sitting as he always did – with his feet under him and his knees up to his chin – and was simply looking out the window.

"Why do you say that, Light-kun?" L asked, as his eyes followed the rivers of traffic stories below.

"Well, this is the Kira case after all," Light answered, as he pulled off his socks and sneakers on the edge of his mattress. "We're going to catch the most notorious murderer in history, Ryuzaki. And we'll do it as a team."

"Mm," L replied. He turned to look at Light, huddled over his shoelaces. The boy was paler and thinner than when L had first met him, and uncharacteristic worry lines kept burdening his brow. Light looked exhausted tonight, not young or resilient like usual.

"I can't help but feel responsible for what happened to you, Light-kun," L mumbled monochromatically.

Light looked up. "What do you mean?"

L stared out the window again. "It was my fault your father started worrying about you. He knew I suspected you of being Kira before we met properly at To-Oh, and needless to say that hurt your family. I also took time away from your already busy life – you had a girlfriend when I asked you to join the NPA. That is one of the greatest sacrifices an agent can make, choosing work over family."

"Ryuzaki," Light interrupted, "that doesn't matter. Misa is my girlfriend now, and I can see her whenever I want."

"I locked you both up," L continued, "and because of that, you're weaker. You've lost weight, you're pale, and you're not eating as much."

"That was for the case, and we both know it. I never said I was unwilling to make sacrifices. And if you remember, I volunteered myself for that one."

"I held you against your will," L said. "You struggled terribly. You suffered, alone, with no contact to the outside world but my voice. And that voice lied to you, and made your heart heavy."

Light was silent. Then he said weakly, "That…was also necessary to solve the Kira case." Light slid off the edge of his bed and sat on the floor and his movement made the handcuffs jingle, reminding him of the bond between himself and the other boy detective. "I won't be away from you until this case is solved, will I?"

"No," L answered solemnly.

Light heaved a sigh. "Ryuzaki, please. If I were Kira, how do you know I haven't killed while you weren't looking? I understand your suspicions, but honestly, if I was Kira, how would you know? How does this help? I can't even get dressed properly like this," he said, as he attempted vainly to get his arm out of his sleeve with the chain attached to his wrist. "How am I supposed to shower? What if I'm asleep and I roll over and cut off my circulation? Or worse, strangle myself?"

L stood up and walked over to Light's side, pulled out the key to the handcuffs, and gently unlocked Light's end. There was an angry welt on Light's wrist, and as the cuff was removed, Light started to bleed evenly.

L grabbed a tissue from the nightstand and dabbed the blood away. "I'm sorry, Light-kun. It's not easy for me either. But this is the only way to make sure – once and for all – that you are not Kira. I hope you are innocent."

"If I am innocent, then all this will have been in vain," Light whispered.

"I will have first separated you from everyone against your will, and then I will have forced a terrible task upon you." L mumbled as he held Light's hand in his, "The Kira case is no place for the weak of heart, or those who value family over work."

"Yeah…" Light said distractedly, thinking of his father. "My dad hasn't been home in weeks. Mom said she missed him last time they spoke on the phone…which was two months ago."

"Light-kun," L started, "do you ever regret leaving things behind?"

"Like what?" Light answered.

"You left your high school friends for To-Oh, for one thing," L said.

Light sighed again. "That was a necessary sacrifice, Ryuzaki. I will not put school friends higher on my list of priorities than my intellectual health, or increasing my potential. I suppose you wouldn't know the feeling…"

"I suppose not," L said contemplatively. "What about your family?"

"You mean mom and Sayu?" Light asked, a little taken aback. "Well, I always knew I'd have to move out one day, but I didn't dream it would be like this!" he said, laughing a little. "But sure, I miss them. I especially miss mom's cooking, and hearing Sayu's favorite music in the background when I do my homework…well, since I last had homework…and having a nice cup of tea to come home to."

"I suppose I would miss having Watari around, as well, if that compares at all," L shrugged.

"Not really," Light said firmly. "Watari hasn't been around since you were a kid."

"Yes, he has," L answered. "He found me when I was young and brought me up. I haven't any relatives or friends – save for him."

"I see," said Light. He appraised L for a moment, and then asked, "Do you ever wish you had a family?"

"No," L said flatly. "Excuse me for a moment." He got up off the floor and headed towards the suite's bathroom, where he got a roll of bandages out of the medicine cabinet, and started to wrap Light's wrist in them.

"Well, why not?" Light asked. "I mean, of course we're both smart enough to get along on our own, and we're both strong emotionally because we've come this far without cracking. But what about when you were a little kid and you needed assistance? You know, what if you scraped your knee, or had a nightmare, or made a mess of something?"

"I suppose that was Watari's job, Light-kun," L said soberly.

"Was he kind to you, though?" Light pressed.

"He took care of me," L answered. "That's all. And I suppose he's very fond of me, considering that I'm his protegé."

The two were silent for a few moments, as L fumbled around with the roll of bandages. It had caught a tangle, and Light moved to help undo the knot, but L motioned him away. Light watched as the other endeavored to heal his wrist, suddenly interested in the workings of L's pale, long fingers. He watched, entranced, as the boy detective slid his digits between the strips of fabric, making battle with them – and oh what a battle it was – and doing his best to untangle the unholy mess of binding.

"I'm scared, Ryuzaki," Light murmured. "What if Kira finds out about this?"

"Hm," L said distractedly. "What do you mean, Light-kun? That's not like you."

"I mean that if Kira finds out about us – if he knows our names and faces – everyone here will die. Mogi, Aizawa, Matsuda, Misa, me, dad, and -"

"Me," L finished.

"Well, yes," Light said timidly. "Think about Kira for a minute. We don't know who Kira is, or if he's even human. He could be a shinigami, couldn't he? More importantly, we don't know how Kira kills! And remember how my dad had a heart attack right after our tennis match? How are we to know that Kira hasn't tried to kill him already, and has failed? What if Kira tries to kill him again?"

"Hush," L said. "Light-kun is being silly."

Light bit his tongue. He had gotten carried away with himself. Ryuzaki was right; he was being silly. Light watched L wrap his wrist in the bandage recently untangled. "But please, Ryuzaki, try to understand. There must be a person you would miss if he died…"

L thought it over for a moment. "Well, maybe a few," he said, mostly to himself. "I would miss Mail, Nate, and Mihael…and I would also miss Watari." L, having finished wrapping up Light's wrist, got up off the floor and moved back to his armchair overlooking Tokyo. He sat in that habitual, almost ritualistic way, and began to chew on his thumb. "And there's always you," he mumbled.

Light hadn't expected his name to come up at all, but as it was spoken, he stopped suddenly and focused on L. "Me?" Light asked. "I know we promised to see this case through together, but I'm just…well…me."

"Yes," L said surely. "You are just Light Yagami, Light-kun, and the single most brilliant person I know except myself, who is very kind and very strong. I couldn't imagine doing this investigation without your insight and help." L turned to face Light, his eyes wide open. "I would be very sad if Kira killed Light-kun. So would Misa, and Director Yagami. I would never be able to forgive myself if Light-kun died before we caught Kira, and I would never have had the chance to apologize for hurting him."

Light's expression softened. He walked over behind L's chair, whose head had dropped down below his shoulders in a sulk. L sighed, and spoke again, "I wasted nearly two months of your life, and you suffered terribly. I admit now that I felt your pain, because all I could do was sit and watch, and all you could do was sit and wait. And I had to look away when Chief Yagami put a gun to your head…"

Light spoke softly, "But that was your own plan, wasn't it? You knew the gun wasn't loaded…"

"I had to, but I didn't want to…"

"Please, Ryuzaki. Control yourself. It doesn't matter, and I'm fine now…"

L continued to speak regardless, and his eyes took on a glazed look as he stared aimlessly out the window, "I just kept thinking to myself, 'What if the gun has been loaded by accident? What if it goes off? What if Light-kun tries to resist and the chief has to hurt him? What if Light-kun is Kira? What if somebody dies?' The whole time, I was battling my instincts…I had to resist calling the whole scenario off for your peace of mind. Imagine such a rude welcome home after two months in solitude."

"Don't say such foolish things, Ryuzaki, please don't," Light pleaded. He rounded the chair so he was face-to-face with L. His other determinedly looked anywhere but at him. He said calmly, "Wait, I just mean that if we're going to work on this case together, we can't have any inhibitions or regrets. We must catch Kira, no matter what. If we go around asking ourselves what might have been, it'll destroy us both! Can't you see what it's doing to you now?"

"I've never played with human life like this before," L said shakily, now with a slight hint of panic in his voice. "What if it had all gone horribly wrong?"

Light knelt down to L's eye level. He put his hands on L's shoulders and spoke soundly, "But nothing happened. I'm alright. I'm right here, safe and sound, with you."

"Yes, Light-kun," L said, his voice breaking but his face still totally neutral, "you are here with me, and you are alright. I have not failed you. I won't let Kira get to you…before we get to him…" He broke off in mid-sentence. He looked Light dead in the eyes, suddenly aware of his presence.

Light was pure and beautiful, and surely it was a privilege for L to gaze upon him. His cheeks were so radiant, his lips were soft and pleasing, his hair was fine and lustrous, and his eyes… O, they were brighter than the newborn sun at dawn, the almighty god of the sky who projected fire into the world; deeper than the infinite heavens, which lived in absolute ecstasy; And more soothing than any comfort L could think of, even the arms of his mentor. For a moment, Kira…just didn't matter.

L reached out to touch Light's face. His skin was smooth and soft beneath the pale digits with uneven fingernails, and warm too…not like a hot cup of coffee, but like something real…something with a heartbeat. Could Kira have had a heartbeat? Was it possible? "Ryuzaki," Light breathed. L decided to take the biggest leap of faith in his life.

Up until now, it had been based on logic, facts, and wits. At this one moment and for the rest of his life, it would be based on intuition, trust, and friendship. L let himself descend into Light. Off-balance, free-falling…L wondered if Light would catch him, or at least try. If he didn't… "But like he said," L thought, "we can't have any inhibitions or regrets. If we go around asking ourselves what might have been, it'll destroy us…"

It was over in a second. Light's arms folded in upon themselves, catching L in the middle and holding him firmly. L's head landed on Light's shoulder, and there the fall stopped. L gasped. "Light-kun. You…you…"

"Why?" asked Light. "Did you ever doubt me?" Light felt L's presence upon himself, and felt the weight of his body. L was alive. His being was warm but rigid, and his chest was thin as it trembled slightly beneath him. His cheek was pale and cold as it brushed against Light's neck.

"Not for a moment," L whispered. "I'm glad you're here."


End file.
